Navigating speculating occurrences in relationships

In relationships, your partner's actions may cause you to question their motive and intent. You may have demanded answers but are not entirely satisfied with the responses because, from your perspective, your partner's behavior appears more than suspicious—it reveals an obvious guilt. And with that, you want answers that align with your discovery, not a narrative pointing to an opposite explanation.

Often, the offended party feels like that is just the case. Their partner is not giving the whole truth of the story. Then, the accusing party's skepticism leads them on a quest to find answers while their partner is engrossed in defending themselves or perplexed about their partner's reservations towards them.

Tension in the relationship arises, stemming from the partner's speculation, leading to distrust-related performances. Instead of working towards a resolution, both parties engage in a cycle of accusations, threats, derogatory language, and emotional distress.

For this reason, even if the offended party has discovered potential indiscretion, it is wise to navigate the circumstances with discretion if the evidence is unclear. After all, the goal is to build a solid and healthy relationship, plus make an informed decision about the person that is right for you.

Here is a list of actions you can take to effectively address ambiguous evidence you find regarding your partner.

Address it at the appropriate time.

It will be tempting to address the matter as soon as you find evidence that may prove your partner has been less than honest with you. While it is a good practice to address a concern as quickly as possible, there are times when the wisest thing to do is wait until an appropriate time.

You want to address matters having enough evidence to validate your claim. When you present an accusation too soon, without having enough proof, the odds are stacked against you, leaving room for doubt.

Another time to consider is whether the environment is appropriate. The likeliness of successfully handling a matter while preoccupied with carrying out daily tasks is unlikely.

It is a good idea to address sensitive matters when both parties are coherent, in a fair mood, and a peaceful and quiet environment.

Communicate clearly

When speaking to your partner about an issue, you want to make sure that you are discussing facts—things that actually occurred, and not assumptions or speaking in circles.

Be clear with your partner about the problem you are addressing. Do not lead with arguing, raised voices, and accusations that have not been proven.

Ask valid questions and listen to your partner's response. No matter the level of your anger, speak with your partner to learn what you need so you can decide what your next steps will be and establish clear boundaries.

Avoid name-calling and profanity for a more balanced conversation.

Present valid evidence

Discovering unpleasant information about your partner can be disturbing. Shocking even. However, the information discovered is occasionally limited and raises questions more than proving guilt.

When you find information that jeopardizes your relationship or incriminates your partner, take the time to assess whether it is enough to prove guilt or if you need to spend more time understanding the facts. For example, if your partner is spotted talking to or eating with a suspicious person, that could be interpreted as someone they are stepping outside the relationship with. Before you start accusing them of cheating, make sure you know whether that person is not a family member, colleague, friend, client, or some other innocent party.

Valid evidence would be them kissing, touching one another inappropriately, or verbally confirming a relationship.

Presenting valid evidence to your suspected partner is critical to eliminate gaslighting, manipulation, false accusations, emotional stress, and looking like an unstable partner.

Be honest about the facts

Sometimes, the supporting evidence is not clear enough to make a definitive conclusion about your partner's discretion. That is not to say that the evidence has no validity to it. Intuition (I call it being led by the spirit) is a real thing, and sometimes, what you have found is a piece of the puzzle. However, there are times when the evidence does not reveal what you think it is. For this reason, you do not want to assume. You must be honest with yourself about the information you are using to convict your partner.

For example, just because your partner has decided to go to bed early one night does not mean they are lying to have the opportunity (living separately) to be with someone else.

Another example: Just because your partner has not texted you back after 10 minutes of you texting them is not a valid reason to be upset with them.

If the evidence you have produces speculation at best, accept that. It's only speculation at that time.

However, if you know it has been a year and you have no supporting evidence that your partner is being unfaithful, accept that. Your partner has not been unfaithful. They may just be guilty of not communicating, giving you their time, and showing affection.

Set clear boundaries

Let your partner know what your needs and expectations are. It is okay to tell your partner what is inappropriate for you. They will only know if you express it.

Your boundaries should indicate to your partner how you want them to treat you in the relationship and your non-negotiables. This includes your expectations for honesty and honor.

In addition, be sure to hold firm to the boundaries you have established and adjust them where necessary and when appropriate to do so. And remember to respect your partner's boundaries as well.

Conclusion

A partner dishonoring the relationship is overwhelming as it is. However, when you are disheartened because you speculate your partner's every move, that is taxing on your mind and body, and it also adds a toxic element to the relationship. It is essential to avoid creating chaotic relationship environments and find appropriate ways to navigate speculating evidence observed of your partner. 

A few steps you can take when presented with speculating evidence are to communicate your concerns, address your concerns at an appropriate time, be honest about the facts of your evidence, present valid evidence, and set clear boundaries. 

Taking these steps can limit the intensity of your gestures towards feeling violated by your partner and allow you the time to understand the evidence before you confront them. 

Life with Adero

@Naeemah Adero

naeemahadero@gmail.com